I wanted to talk to you about it, but trigger warning.
Its a bit heavy.
I grew up being sexually attacked and abused, multiple people and places, so I was Barely Attached to my body, it always felt like it was wanted more by somebody else, I would disconnect from myself.
I'm not here
I'm not here I'm not here
I'm not here.
I stayed with a man who hated me. I got pregnant. I miscarried. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life.
I didn't know what was happening, and my entire body felt like it was betraying me, rejecting me, as a soul.
I was being assessed, and my body was finally deciding to turn itself inside out in rebellion.
If you have ever miscarried, my whole heart goes out to you. Labor. Actual Labor. And so much pain.
My father told me, maybe you'll finally treat this life like a real life, a friend told me it happens to everyone, my fathers exwife told me the baby was in heaven, and my soul revolted.
Everyone had something to say but my body stayed quiet.
I went to the doctors office when I felt like I could show my face. Weeks had passed. The clinician I saw sneered at me, and i didn't think I'd ever see that in person. We always read that word in books, but hardly ever know what it looks like.
In one sentence, she took my experience from me. She said, you couldn't have had a miscarriage, your tests say you were never pregnant. I stood, I don't know how. I knew she was wrong.
I have felt lost, and I have felt disconnected and floaty, but those steps outside of the clinic towards the train felt like I was being lifted out of my bones and into nothingness.
Years passed and I stayed hard, a book I loved reminded me to turn my heart to stone when things got tough, so I did.
Heart to stone heart to stone heart to stone.
And then my sweet friend from college had this drawing, of this uterus, and I almost cried. It said to me, Here I am.
Here I am Here I am Here I am Here I am.
I am beautiful flowers. I am divine spring rain. I am cleansing. I love you, and I am you.
You are beautiful.
I have you, I trust you, trust me.
I couldn't wait to share it.